When it came time to choose the marble for the countless fireplace mantels of the Palace of Versailles, Louis XIV turned to his wife Maria Theresa for advice. She was said to be so petite that he had to ask her to step onto a stool just to kiss her.
The Sun King, though reportedly appalled at being forced by his mother to marry what he called "that tiny hairy monkey," knew he couldn’t leave her out of the key decisions for their little country home. And so he asked: “Tell me, Maria, which marble would you choose for our many fireplace mantels?”
Yes, you read that correctly. Versailles was built with 1,260 fireplaces.
Maria, the good old Bourbon with the bewildered look of someone who knows nothing about mantels, replied in her Italo-Spanish accent:
“I’m Spanish, how should I know about your marbles!?”
That one sentence was enough to send a puff of her chocolate-scented breath toward the king (she was known to be nearly toothless due to her addiction to hot cocoa).
Liberated from any real input from his wife, the Sun King immediately made his way to his beloved mistress, Louise de La Valliere (nicknamed "Rose Mouth," not after the famous Italian songwriter De André, but because of her tiny coral lips and lily-scented teeth).
They spent an entire night debating the most elegant and delicate marbles in the known world, and by dawn, he had made his choice: for the white mantels of Versailles, he would favour a noble Italian quarry producing what was then called Bianco Carrara P, where "P" stood for Puro — Pure.
So every time the King and his Spanish Mariuccia spent one of their obligatory afternoons together, he'd glance at the white Carrara mantel before him, and his mind would wander back to that moonlit night with La Valliere, to her pearly teeth and rose-coloured mouth, and for a brief moment, forget his unfortunate royal bride.
Such is the power of a white Carrara fireplace mantel.
I'm telling you this story (part truth, part harmless fabrication for "educational" purposes) because the original quarries where Carrara sculptors once sourced this Bianco Carrara Puro are now exhausted. Today, the only quarry still yielding a similar quality of marble is called Cava Gioia. The younger generation now refers to it as Bianco Gioia, no longer "Bianco P."
But since I'm no longer young myself, I still call it — like all seasoned sculptors and marble workers do — simply: Bianco Puro. Affection counts for something.
BAROQUE? YES. BUT PARISIAN BAROQUE.
This mantel's style is best described not with the generic "Baroque," but with the more precise term Parisian Baroque, because that's where the best architects on the planet worked during that era. And this fireplace, clearly, was drawn by one of those talented Parisian pencils.
Excellent condition. Period: Napoléon III (late 19th century).
CLASSIFIED INFORMATION (FOR LADIES ONLY):
How do women shop for clothing in the third millennium?
Let me tell you:
They prepare for months for the first day of the sales, an event of almost spiritual significance that occurs four times a year (spring, summer, autumn, winter). On THAT day, the weather is always perfect, regardless of the season.
Mind you, it's not that women shop during the sales due to economic necessity. No. It is the thrill of the hunt. The orgasmic satisfaction of grabbing everything they can balance on their arms while reaching shopping nirvana. They will pull hair if they must. True story.
A relative of my wife, a curvy crusader of the outlet scene, once confided: “Maybe this year I can trample a few other serial shoppers without feeling even a little guilty.”
Tactics matter. Outfits are chosen specifically for the battlefield. No time-wasting buttons or layers. Just one simple piece. Jewelry? Forbidden. It hinders speed. Footwear? No stilettos. Too dangerous. Better to wear grip-soled sneakers that can withstand heel-stabs from rival shoppers.
The body must obey. No hunger. No thirst. No pee breaks. Water bottles? Too heavy. Snacks? Too risky. Bathroom lines? Too costly — they might cost you that last polka-dot bolero in your size. Eat later. Drink later. Pee later.
And what about friends? They vanish. Allies turn into enemies. Your best friend, who helped you meet your husband and stood beside you at the altar, will turn on you if you wear the same size and shoe number. Brutal, but true.
Important: Never give up. Sales last. Prices fall. What doesn’t tempt you at €50 becomes your life's mission at €29.99. Science.
HOW TO BEAT YOUR FRIENDS (AND EVERYONE ELSE):
It's easy. Just listen to me.
Come to Artis showroom one morning. (You’re reading this, so clearly you’re looking for a fireplace mantel — and you wouldn’t dare cheat on me by going to a competitor, would you? No one cares about your mantel dreams like I do.)
I will serve you personally. Then you can go for lunch at one of the fantastic local trattorias I recommend (they give me a tiny commission — with prices as low as ours at Artis, I have to survive somehow!).
In the afternoon? A shopping paradise.
Just 13 km from us lies Carpi, a shopping district with around SEVENTY outlet stores entirely dedicated to fashion. It’s a stone’s throw away. Many of our customers pass through there on their way home.
Even your husband — who might grumble at first — will thank you. After saving a bundle on a high-quality antique fireplace mantel, you’ll save even more on your designer wardrobe. If he still resists? Take him to the Navigare outlet nearby, buy him a manly sailor cap ("for the man who never has to ask"), and he’ll calm right down.
BREAKING NEWS:
Even Blumarine has opened an outlet in Carpi (13 km from us).
To all husbands reading this: I’m sorry. But honestly, it’s not my fault.
