IMPORTANT: IN THE FIRST PICTURE YOU CAN SEE THIS FIREPLACE AT THE VERY MOMENT WE PURCHASED IT AND ARE IN THE PROCESS OF DISASSEMBLING IT.
“THE FLAP”
HAVE YOU EVER SEEN (UP CLOSE, I MEAN...) THE SURFACE OF A WOMAN'S CAR?
IT'S FULL OF “SNUBS”, SMALL BUMPS, SCRATCHES ETC... ETC...
IF YOU THEN, WITH BLOODHOUND EYES, WENT TO SURVEY THE STATE OF THE END OF THE DRIVER'S SIDE DOOR (THAT THIN SHEET OF METAL WITH WHICH THE DOOR ITSELF ENDS WHEN OPENED..), YOU WOULD FIND IT DEVOID OF ITS ORIGINAL PAINT, A FACT DUE TO THE WOMAN'S HABIT OF FANNING OUT THE DOOR ITSELF WITHOUT ASSESSING THE AVAILABLE DISTANCE TO THE ADJACENT PARKED CAR... IT HAPPENED TO ME, A FEW DAYS AFTER I BOUGHT MY BRAND-NEW, VIRGIN CAR: I WAS GOING WITH FRIENDS TO THE SEASIDE IN SAN VINCENZO, STOPPED AT A RESTAURANT ( AND WHY ELSE DO YOU GO TO THE SEASIDE, IF NOT TO BINGE ON “FRESH” OR SELF-STYLED FRESH FISH?!) AND PARKED IN A CLEARING THAT LOOKED LIKE A MEDIEVAL PARADE GROUND. WE WERE OUT OF SEASON AND THE FEW PATRONS HAD AVAILABLE FOR PARKING THE SPACE NORMALLY RESERVED FOR TURBS OF MOTORIZED GLUTTONS....
Excuse us, Maurizio, but what does this little story have to do with the ancient fireplace you are presenting to us?
It has to do with it, it has to do with it, just have a moment of patience and you will understand....
WELL, WITH ALL THAT SPACE AVAILABLE, ONE OF THOSE JAPANESE MACHINES (just out of a cartoon, precisely, JAPANESE, ONE OF THOSE AUTOMOBILES, INSOMETHING, THAT ONLY WOMEN CAN BUY) STOPS A FEW MILLIMET FROM MY SHINKING CAR AND STILL SMELLING OF NEW LEATHER... MY FRIENDS, HEEDLESS OF THE PROBLEM AND ALREADY SALIVATING, HEAD FOR THE RESTAURANT ENTRANCE, WHILE I... NO. I DECIDE IN FACT TO OBSERVE HOW THAT WOMAN WILL EVER EXTRACT HERSELF FROM HER OWN CAR.... WILL SHE GET OUT THE OTHER DOOR? WILL SHE SOLE HERSELF AND ATTEMPT THE IMPOSSIBLE FEAT OF EXITING BY THE NATURAL ROUTE? OR PERHAPS, NOVELLA EVA KANT, WILL SHE GO OUT THROUGH THE SUNROOF?!
BUT... AS IF NOTHING HAD HAPPENED, THIS VIRAGO, WHO HAD EVIDENTLY DECIDED TO GO OUT “BY FORCE,” PROJECTS HER DOOR TOWARD MY BELOVED MERCEDES-BENZ CLS AT SUPERSONIC SPEED
A FLASH AND THE BUMP IS DONE !!!!!!!!!!
CAZ... (WHEN IT TAKES, IT TAKES, SORRY...)...
“EXCUSE ME, MA'AM, BUT DO YOU DEMOLISH SOMEONE ELSE'S CAR EVERY TIME YOU HAVE TO GET OUT OR WERE YOU OVERTHINKING THIS TIME!!!” I SAY TO HER BELIEVING THAT I WAS BEING KIND IN APOSTROPHIZING HER LIKE THAT (IN FACT I WOULD HAVE KILLED HER ON THE SPOT IF I COULD HAVE..).
AND THIS ONE, INSTEAD OF APOLOGIZING, TURNS TO ME WITH A. “EH, WHAT'S THE BIG DEAL, YOU CAN'T EVEN SEE IT...” (YES, BECAUSE WOMEN, WHEN THEY WANT TO BE RIGHT, WHICH IS ALWAYS, ARE ALSO WILLING TO DENY THE UNDENIABLE..).
ALL THIS PAPPARDELLA I WROTE IT BECAUSE I WOULD LIKE TO UNDERSTAND WHY FEMALE INDIVIDUALS, SO “BRILLIANT” WHEN IT COMES TO THE DEFECTS OF OTHER PEOPLE'S BODIES (AND EVEN TO THEIR OWN, I MUST SAY..), WHEN THEY ARE IN FRONT OF ONE OF MY ANCIENT FIREPLACES ARE LOOKING FOR THE HAIR IN THE EGG... “BUT. THIS LITTLE BUTTON, WILL IT COME OFF, MR. MAURIZIO?!“... ‘AND THIS SCRATCH?!’.... ”WILL YOU BE ABLE TO REMOVE THIS LITTLE SPOT!?“.... ” WHEN IT'S CLEANED, THE FIREPLACE WILL LOOK BETTER WON'T IT? AND HOW. BEAUTIFUL?!"
WELL, THE FIREPLACE I PRESENT TO YOU NOW (SCULPTURE ERA EARLY DECADES OF THE 1800S..) IS CERTAINLY MANY MORE YEARS OLD THAN YOUR CAR, AND SO WHY WOULD YOU WANT IT PERFECT AND NEAT AS IT WAS ON DISPLAY AT AIAZZONE'S?!
KNOW THAT THIS IS NOT SO, “HE” HAS SEVERAL MARKS AND SMALL POETIC SHORTCOMINGS, BUT YOU WILL LIKE HIM, AS YOU LIKE YOUR MICRA ALL DENTED, YOU WILL LIKE HIM FOR HIS BEAUTIFUL SHAPE OF CLASSIC “CHAMPAGNARD” (WHICH, HEAR HEAR, COMES DIRECTLY FROM THE ITALIAN RENAISSANCE FIREPLACES..), AND FOR HIS DELICATE GOLDEN COLOR..
AMONG ANTIQUE STONE FIREPLACES, THE CHAMPAGNARD (ALSO KNOWN IN ITALY AS “PROVENCAL”..) IS AMONG THE MOST SOUGHT-AFTER, AND THIS, WOMEN, SHOULD BE CONSIDERED A MANTEL IN GOOD CONDITION..
TO FIND IT “NICER” (INTHE SENSE OF “LACKING DEFICIENCIES”) YOU WILL HAVE TO TURN TO A FORGER !!!
SPEAKING OF MORE AND LESS I HAVE TOLD YOU ALMOST EVERYTHING ABOUT THIS FIREPLACE, ALL THAT IS MISSING IS FOR ME TO TELL YOU ABOUT ITS PROVENANCE: WE DISASSEMBLED IT FROM AN OLD FARMHOUSE IN THE COASTAL HINTERLAND.
